Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Nuts Over The Holidaze

"Ha ha ha"

So, how was your Christmas?

It's been said that Christmas is for children. For adults, it's a highly-stressful time involving agonizing over what gifts to give and who to give to, elbowing one's fellowmen in the mad rush to get shopping done, knocking one's self out preparing feasts, and dreading the annual family reunions. It's enough to drive a person...mad.

Not "mad" as in "angry." "Mad" as in "batshit-insane."

I knew there was a reason the fates thwarted me from going to my grand family reunion. I have a bi-polar sister, you see, and after 11 years of relative normalcy, apparently she went into major relapse at the affair - with decidedly un-hilarious results.

Soooooooo...from the party, she went straight to the Nutcracker Suite (which is how I fondly call the Psych Ward) , where she will also be greeting 2010 - hopefully not strapped down to her bed. I pity my father, who took it upon himself to stand guard over her craziness the first time around. This was a sequel we were hoping wouldn't be produced, but since bi-poles seem to have this annoying tendency to secretly stop taking their meds, we have thus come to this pass.

My mother, bless her soul, seems to be taking it in stride, even regaling me with stories about how, after threatening to punch their lights out, my sister imparted Yuletide blessings to the nurses using her bedpan.

She's a lovely girl - it's just that we were both born with bad, baaaaaad tempers.

"Heh heh heh"

Hell, I'd paint the entire hospital with feces myself if I had to spend New Year's in the nuthouse. Good thing I can still hide my insanity under clouds of nicotine.

While I have successfully escaped attending any Christmas parties or reunions with balikbayan friends thus far, looks like I'm not getting off scot-free this year. Thanks to the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals and previous - and costly - experience, my sister has regained enough semblance of normalcy to be awarded a day pass today. Either that, or she's truly an actress of Oscar caliber.

Girl, Interrupted comes to mind.

Whatever the reason, this happy development means I am obliged to attend our little annual family Secret Santa affair tonight. Good thing I, as always, am prepared with the good thoughts and warm Christmas greetings I always end up giving in lieu of an actual gift to my unfortunate monito - whoever that might be this year.

It is with thanks for my sister's speedy "recovery" (I don't believe bi-poles can ever live a "normal" life without meds, alas - just something we have accepted and live with) that I am leaving you with some lovely and presciently appropriate Christmas carol reworkings a friend sent me.


1. Schizophrenia - Do I Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

"Hee hee hee"

6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....

Ho, ho, ho.


  1. First, I hope your sister is well now.

    2nd, bwahahahahahaha @ the carols. I'm just so glad the list is able to properly differentiate schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder. I'm still wondering when and why people started equating schizophrenia with split personality anyway

  2. You really are meant for advertising.

    Hope you're sister's okay. And good luck with the family affair tonight!!

    Happy new year Rudeboy, your holiday present's waiting in my blog. =D

  3. Oh my. My younger brother has OCD, and I have a bi-polar friend as well. I may be anal with a lot of things, but I've never been diagnosed with OCD though, although I wouldn't be surprised as it seems to run in the family.

    But if anything, I reckon I'm a lot closer to manic. I do hope you sister's better.

  4. oh, a roll call of DSM-IV!
    may i add a long, long list of paraphilias and gender identity disorders? :)

  5. i hope i can find a cure for my obsession for your light saber.


    hufy new year, ruddie!

  6. @ Johnny Cursive : Thank you, man, and thanks to everyone else for their well-wishes. She looks and acts normal - for now.

    Glad you enjoyed the carols. I'm impressed you could tell schiz from MPD. Ive long given up on differentiating the various behavorial disorders and just lump them into the general catch-all term "Chock-Full'O Nuts."

    @ engel : That was a sweet present, and augurs well for the New Year! YAY!

    @ red the mod : Hey there. I, too, am anal with a lot of things, but never without a condom and Astroglide.

    @ ash : DSM-wha? Again, see "Chock-Full O' Nuts" above.

    @ Ternie : I'm going to have to Google a disorder fixating on phallic items that glow and make a humming sound, then get back to you.

  7. Sis'a season to be folly falalala lalalala...

  8. congratulations then for surviving Christmas.

    so how about these carols for the murderous:

    Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer... is dead!
    Santa Claus is... dead!

  9. @ Ming : O, Folly Night.

    @ alimuom : I Saw Mommy Killing Santa Claus.

  10. brilliant post! i wonder who thought of those songs first.

  11. hope your sister gets well

    Christmas is meant to be spent with the family and love ones

  12. @ Herbs D: I dunno the original source, but it made the rounds a couple years back, apparently, and there's a few more that weren't on the list I got:

    11. Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House

    12. Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe

    13. Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House

    14. Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas while I Sit Here and Hyperventilate.

  13. @ thecurioscat : Thank you. It was a sweet homecoming for her; I'm glad she got a 3-day pass, it turns out, so she won't be spending New Year's in the hospital.

    Happy New Year y'all.

  14. super late greeting: merry christmas, rudeboy! hehe that last santa claus was real creepy.