"Ha ha ha"
So, how was your Christmas?
It's been said that Christmas is for children. For adults, it's a highly-stressful time involving agonizing over what gifts to give and who to give to, elbowing one's fellowmen in the mad rush to get shopping done, knocking one's self out preparing feasts, and dreading the annual family reunions. It's enough to drive a person...mad.
Not "mad" as in "angry." "Mad" as in "batshit-insane."
I knew there was a reason the fates thwarted me from going to my grand family reunion. I have a bi-polar sister, you see, and after 11 years of relative normalcy, apparently she went into major relapse at the affair - with decidedly un-hilarious results.
Soooooooo...from the party, she went straight to the Nutcracker Suite (which is how I fondly call the Psych Ward) , where she will also be greeting 2010 - hopefully not strapped down to her bed. I pity my father, who took it upon himself to stand guard over her craziness the first time around. This was a sequel we were hoping wouldn't be produced, but since bi-poles seem to have this annoying tendency to secretly stop taking their meds, we have thus come to this pass.
My mother, bless her soul, seems to be taking it in stride, even regaling me with stories about how, after threatening to punch their lights out, my sister imparted Yuletide blessings to the nurses using her bedpan.
She's a lovely girl - it's just that we were both born with bad, baaaaaad tempers.
"Heh heh heh"
Hell, I'd paint the entire hospital with feces myself if I had to spend New Year's in the nuthouse. Good thing I can still hide my insanity under clouds of nicotine.
While I have successfully escaped attending any Christmas parties or reunions with balikbayan friends thus far, looks like I'm not getting off scot-free this year. Thanks to the wonders of modern pharmaceuticals and previous - and costly - experience, my sister has regained enough semblance of normalcy to be awarded a day pass today. Either that, or she's truly an actress of Oscar caliber.
Girl, Interrupted comes to mind.
Whatever the reason, this happy development means I am obliged to attend our little annual family Secret Santa affair tonight. Good thing I, as always, am prepared with the good thoughts and warm Christmas greetings I always end up giving in lieu of an actual gift to my unfortunate monito - whoever that might be this year.
It is with thanks for my sister's speedy "recovery" (I don't believe bi-poles can ever live a "normal" life without meds, alas - just something we have accepted and live with) that I am leaving you with some lovely and presciently appropriate Christmas carol reworkings a friend sent me.
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCH UNIT
1. Schizophrenia - Do I Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
4. Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....
"Hee hee hee"
6. Paranoid - Santa Claus is Coming To Town To Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, and I Don't Know Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder - Silent Night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells.....
Ho, ho, ho.