Wednesday, January 5, 2011


I don't like dancing on the edge of reason.

I've been like a caged animal thrashing about, enraged and at the same time fearful, trying desperately to find a way out.

Dead. Deadened. Dead end.

I walked all the way from Makati to Manila yesterday. Aimlessly. Like a homeless person. Which I guess I am because I no longer wish to live in what I once called home.

The peace of my sanctuary has been shattered, never to be the same again. This is both literal and figurative. I think I can say the same about my sanity. I've often thought sanity hung by the merest of threads, and, given the proper circumstances, one can be pitched overboard, and off into the void.

Stimulus-Response. Is it just that my response is an overreaction? Or is the stimulus well and truly unbearable?

I think I'm being literally hounded out of my sanity. Pavlov would've had a field day with this.

I can't go out drinking every night just to stay away from this goddamned hell.

I sleep in ever-tighter fetal positions - whenever it is possible to sleep at all.

Something's gotta give, and it looks like it's my sanity.

God, it's like tiptoeing through a minefield. One never knows when one will set something off, and one has no way of telling when the explosions will stop - or if they will stop at all.

I've been in a constant state of physical, mental, and emotional tension. Now I know what happens when you can neither fight, nor flee. You just freeze.

Where did I read that? Dante's Inferno? That hell is not ablaze, but a cold, cold place.