Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Veni, VD, Vici

I'm so happy Kris has finally found her true love. 
Too bad all that was left of him could fit into a can.

Ah, yes.

It's the annual celebration of Kris Aquino's birthday. A day that should live forever in infamy.

Roosevelt said so.

And speaking of things that should live forever, it's also V-Day.

A charming, sentimental tradition, considering that unlike, say, HIV or herpes, love doesn't last forever.

While, unlike Krissy, we can't all find our true loves in a can of tuna, enjoy your little state visits to Victoria Court tonight, nevertheless. And in celebration of gonorrhea making the list of things that outlive love, let me rape your childhoods  leave you with this saucy little song from Ariel, The Little Lethal Mermaid:

Bonus Lyrics:

Look at this stuff
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think
My collection's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl -
The girl who has everything?

Look at my face
Check out my chest
Wouldn't you say
Clamshell bras are the best?
Looking around me you'd think
Sure - I could tap that.

But as you know I'm a merfolk
And so I'm a fish down below
You want great human looks?
I got half.
But who cares?
No big deal.
I want moooooore.

I wanna be like the people are.
Not with scales but with real genitalia
Rolling around on the - what do you call them?
Oh - sheets.

Flipping my fins I can't get too far
Cunts are required for nearly everything
Selling myself down the -what's that word again? -

Up where they bang
Up where they bone
Up where they stay up at night all alone
I've never cum
Wish I could have
A vagina.

What would I give
If I could live
With a vibrator
What would I pay
To spend a day
Warm with a cock

Betcha on land
They'd understand
That they don't
Fuck off all their daughters
Wet young women
Sick of nothing
Ready to lay

I'm ready to do
What the people do
What's your position
And what's your name and
What's gonorrhea and why does it -
what's the word - buuuuuurrrrrnnnn?

When's it my turn
Wouldn't I love
Love to fuck like they do up above

Not celibate
Wish I could have
A vagina


  1. and you just shattered, not just ariel's, but my innocence lol

    bad ruddie lol

    1. Now, now, lee.

      Innocence, like paradise, was meant to be lost.

  2. VD reminded me of something venereal...

    hmmm, the only thing different between the Lethal Mermaid and me is I don't want to have a vagina.

    1. Venereal from the Latin venereus (sexual love) which itself comes from either vener (sexual charm) or veneris, the Latin genitive form of the name "Venus."

      Hence, herpes, gonorrhea, and their ilk are the diseases of Venus, goddess of love, beauty, and genital warts.

      The sick bitch.

  3. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Oh crap. This made my V-day complete. And mind you, V is not for vagina.

    1. V is for Victory, of course.

      Victory Joe.

  4. this is not how i remember my favorite disney toon!!!! LOL

    Happy V Day Ruddie!!!

    1. ctually, gillboard, if you rewatch Disney's The Little Mermaid now, it'll become more obvious how Ariel was really just itching for some hot monkey love.

      And happy V-Day to you too.

  5. Replies
    1. Uhm.
      In other news, Nate, at least crabs - like that pesky Sebastian, always getting in Ariel's hair - are still easily treatable. See the simple steps below:

      1. In the event of crab infestation, prepare the following items: a razor, a match, and an icepick.

      2. Shave half your pubic region with the razor.

      3. Set fire to the remaining half with the match.

      4. As the crabs run out, stab them with the icepick.

      The more you know.

  6. and i'm still humming the melody in my head using the "new and improved" lyrics. bad, bad boy!

    1. I believe that's what's known as LSS, ^travis: Lewd Song Syndrome.

  7. LOL I can never sing "part of your world" the same way again. Ever. LOL

    1. Achievement Unlocked: Childhood Raped.


  8. whenever Krissy tries to look serious (commercials, movies, and TV shows) she always ends up looking constipated.

    1. First off, Tetay's publicist would like to thank you for finally, finally saying something about her instead of the Little Mermaid, 15 comments in. Despite being the first thing you see when you read this entry, Kris hasn't gotten much attention from the gay readership - a minor tragedy, considering how she might've been a local gay icon instead of a showbiz bafflement/corned tuna spokeswoman.

      And secondly, i wholeheartedly and enthusiastically agree, ex-Mrs. Carrington, that Kris has the lock on the "Oh, God, I can't move my bowels any more than I can move he audience" expression. Which is why she should be shilling for laxatives instead, and leave the selling of the meat of the sea to Ariel.

  9. This redubbing is proof that people can be really creative when they apply themselves. But then again, anyone who had to sit through Kris' thirty minute interview on The Buzz which segued crudely to this particular ad may disagree.

    I suppose the cause they choose to apply said creativity to is no one's business but theirs. o_0

    1. Ah, Nyl.

      The eternal question: is creativity sufficient unto itself, or must it serve some other need ? Someone once said that "Advertising is the poetry of commerce," and being an industry practitioner, I can't disagree with that statement. Despite their hemming and hawing and pretensions to "art," all advertising creatives whore themselves out in the service of commerce - hence the term "commercials."

      The difference lies, I think, in the quality of the whoring: there are courtesans, and then there are streetwalkers. Sometimes, when an ad is done very well, it approximates art: the fusion of music, visuals, and words create something greater than the original raison d'etre.

      This bawdy redubbing of a beloved Disney classic serves no commercial purpose. It was created, I imagine, to entertain its author, and other people as well. In that respect, it may be said to approximate "art" in its purest form: to edify, entertain, enrapture.

      On the other hand, Valentina's 30-minute segment buy and the ensuing ham-handed segue into product sell, well...there's an apt couplet in Lethal Ariel's lyrics above. Somewhere around flipping one's fins and a street.

    2. At the risk of offending anyone, I will not say (REPEAT WILL NOT SAY) that my comment and your wonderfully crafted response are both irrelevant because that tuna ad did not have an ounce of creativity. Black comedy ang peg!

    3. *Chuckle*

      I actually know the creatives and producer behind this ad. And while snarking on industry colleagues is a time-honored tradition, I can feel their pain at the sheer ham-handedness of the whole spot.

      But that's the thing with whoring, Nyl: no matter how good we are at our craft, in the end, we gotta do what the paying customer asks us to.

      And that's why we drink.

  10. Bad Ruddie!!! You monsieur just snatched away my innocence by sharing that. Haha.
    I knew it! While reading, I thought you know the guys behind the ad.

    1. Oh, there's a whole lot of other things I'd like to snatch from you, DB.


      And yes, it's a very small industry, so what goes around comes around real fast.

  11. wholesome po ako..hahaha

    anyways , superbelated happy balentayms sayo :)