Saturday, June 30, 2012

Black On White : A Gay Pride Filmfest

Since I won't be here to celebrate Fag Festival 2012™ (off to Bangkok again in the morning, where Pride is commercialized sometime during the -Ber months), I leave you with a few little shorts, which will hopefully amuse you as you primp and preen for all the fabulous fun and fancy activities on this Dandy Day of Debauchery.

First off is this charming little homage to the divine Karen Black's Trilogy of Terror, in particular the 3rd installment involving that Zuni doll with petty rage issues:

In case you're curious, kittens, here's the original. 
I suggest you watch it in all its full schlocky 1975 TV-movie glory:

Part 2:

And finally, Part 3:

Unfortunately, I couldn't seem to find the one where the Karen Black character was being assaulted by a murderous dildo instead of a rampaging doll. (Karen Black Like Me, 1997, by Mirra Bank.  A 10-minute marvel from the Best of Boys In Love DVD compilation*, thank God for Google). That one definitely had me in stitches - of the laughing kind.

But see how the Rainbow Gods of Gayness smile upon us! In place of an anonymous queen being attacked by a plastic penis, here's drag queen goddess RuPaul in his 1st Made-For-TV movie, back when s/he was a wee twiggy lass just scaling the heights of ambition:

And with that, I bid you Happy Gay Pride! 

Ride with Pride!

Or if not, at least launder with it.

For more whiteness in your White Party.


*I actually have this DVD, but damn this early morning flight. Means I can't yet rip it for our mutual video viewing pleasure. But I will sometime. 

Just because I love you. 

Yeah, that's it.

Monday, June 25, 2012


Look at these beautiful bitches.

On the outside, they're gorgeous, like starlets on my arm earning me envious looks as we pass the gaping crowds.

But when we're alone, ultimately, they utterly disappoint and cause me heartache and pain.

Just like my lovers.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Oh, Great! Expectations

A few days ago, my parents marked their Nth wedding anniversary. (Naturally, I would've been blissfully unaware of it had not my sister The Scarlet Witch The Not-Black-Not-Widow Amora The Enchantress  helpfully texted me a knowing reminder.)

"Brother, thou must send thy salutations to thine creators, 
or suffer the consequences once again."

So yay, you crazy lovebirds, w00t w00t, thank you for making me, and legitimately at that (Nine months including June = February = Piscean Rudeboy).

And speaking of legitimacy...

Interestingly, on this day of all days, my ex-sister-in-law caught me online. And out of nowhere, casually let it slip that my nephew, Baldur the Beautiful (who had spent the past year living it up in his own little tower in my stone castle and whom I never wrote about in this blog until now) had knocked up his girlfriend.

I guess it's only fitting that the foul deed was done in the vile vixen's lair in Norway, where he spent last Christmas (at her expense, how portentous) making eggnog and other things, for this smells like the beginning of Ragnarok.

Just another typical family gathering at the Rude Realm.

My initial reaction - aside from dismay - was the same one my ex-housemate Christiane had when her Presbyterian minister husband toppled over with a heart attack in front of the entire congregation one fine Sunday : namely, "Oh, shit."

My next thought was infanticide coupled with nephew-murder.

How dare this brat threaten me with impending grandfuckingfatherhood?!??!?!?






Not much better. But a little better.

Honestly, I feel like Queen Ravenna in Snow White and The Huntsman. With the advent of each new generation, I feel my own powers waning. I was once the Fair One, and then my nephew was Fairer Still. And this cell-dividing... thing halfway across the world threatens to be The Even Fairer Than He And Thee.

Damn Norwegians and their...things.

A normal person might respond with joy at the tidings of the creation of new life and the continuation of the species.

I, obviously, am not a normal person.

The circumstances of this new addition to the Royal House of Rude are eerily reminiscent of those attendant to the creation of the new creator: not exactly planned, thus not exactly welcome. And of course, with every nascent incarnation of my bloodline, I become more and more obsolete, like a Geocities site running on Netscape powered by AOL. 

Like any creature worth his survival instinct, any perceived threat to my continuity must be dealt with, immediately, definitively, creatively. This must explain the fairly-recent influx of my young lovers.

By their blood (or other bodily fluids) I am regenerated.

Mmm the milky, milky goodness 
of the milk of human kindness.

Regenerators not quite as potent, though, as the white sticky fluids that course through the tumescent appendages of the male members of my family. The legend of our virility is well-deserved. I swear, all my brother needs do is look at a woman and bam! Bitch be preggers.

And now, his crotchspawn dutifully continues the family tradition. 

Color me surprised.

Hell, had I been straight, I'd probably be leaving genetic copies of myself all over creation as well.

The fact that I don't must argue for the existence of a God.

Or equally, against it.

And speaking of deities, I'm not quite sure how Odin aka My Father alias Angry Ruler of All Asgard is going to take this.

Becoming a GREAT grandfather, I mean.

Maybe he should take a hint from the playbook of Cronos, the Great Grandaddy of All Deities.

Om nom nom nom nom nom!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Apocalypse Now?


First day of the sixth month of 2012, and boy, we're still here, aren't we?


Having said that, seems like the world might end this year, after all; just not the way the Mayans supposedly pictured it (suck it, Emmerich).

First, last Sunday, we had the uplifting tale of a naked man shot dead for eating off another man's face,*  displaying very 28 Days Later symptoms:

"According to police sources, a road ranger saw a naked man chewing on another man’s face and shouted on his loud speaker for him to back away.Meanwhile, a woman also saw the incident and flagged down a police officer who was in the area.

The officer, who has not been identified, approached and, seeing what was happening, also ordered the naked man to back away. When he continued the assault, the officer shot him, police sources said. The attacker failed to stop after being shot, forcing the officer to continue firing. Witnesses said they heard at least a half dozen shots."

Well, so much for eating lead. Then again, the undead have been known to crave brains: something the police force normally have a short supply of. At any rate, any zombie survivalist worth his shotgun knows only a headshot will take care of the nasty buggers - a double-tap to make sure.

Read more here:

And just a scant two days later, the University of Illinois released this ominous tweet:

Digging further, I found this Tumblr page, which very helpfully outlined a timeline of events, from the 5/16 Mysterious Rash Infects High School Students  incidents, to the doctor spitting blood on a highway patrolman after getting arrested for DUI.

And as the blogger notes:

"All in same week and same state…. may God be with you Florida."

Booyah, Sunshine State.

(Not to be outdone, this just in: a Hackensack man has reportedly stabbed his own stomach and hurled his intestines at police. New Jersey, represent!)

If life has an annoying tendency to imitate art, then imgur sure had the jump on us, it seems, via this very convincing (and chilling) image series of how the emerging zombie apocalypse might be televised (or Facebooked, or Tweeted, or Instagrammed, or pick your choice of modern media) :

As a fanboy, I must admit I'm torn over this Resident Evil turn of events. On one hand: zombies, yay! On the other: well, more chances of a horrible end plus the stench of all those putrefying walking undead.

And of course, locally, we have the pickled front act of the Zombie Republic right here:

Did someone eat brains, or just lose them?

Oh, well.

Om, nom, nom, nom, nom!

*If you're a ghoulish, rubbernecking Pinoy like I am, you can see the man's bloodied and eaten face here (courtesy of imgur via Reddit.) Don't worry, he survived the attack - barely - except "Eyes Without A Face" by Billy Idol inexplicably comes to mind right now. Obvious warning is obvious: NSFW, NSFL.

'Course, if you're a squeamish do-goodnik, here's kinda-sorta what it looks like:


Edit: As I was writing this, all the power just went out, leaving me illuminated only by the light of my laptop as I lay surrounded by pitch-darkness.